The Privateer

Perspective

2011-06-08T17:31:00.000-04:00

Saw a Mercedes E550 today with the following license plate:
LIV❤LAF

Easy for you to say, shitheel, you have an E550.

Apps-olutely you can!

2011-05-20T13:46:00.001-04:00

Chrome apps...

Most of them are glorified bookmarks.
Kinda disappointing when you realize.

Not to complain about some free service in a browser that I otherwise like quite a bit, but there should be more to them than that.

Spam

2011-05-19T12:24:00.000-04:00

Like most people, I (now) get dozens of those stupid Nigerian scam emails.
Sometimes I'll read them if they catch my eye, and this one did.
That subject line, HAHAHAHAHAHA:

In tears ~ an orphan in need of help

Hello, My name is Raymond Watson, aged 17 years old and the only son of Mr. Watson. Before My father passed away he told me to contact you if anything happened to him that you will help me, so i wanted to know please if you are the friend of my father? I have inheritance from my late father which i desire your assistance in receiving the inheritance in your country for investment while i come over to further my education and begin a new life. I will be glad to give you fifteen percent of the total inheritance for your assistance.

Truly i do hope you are going to honestly accept to help me considering my situation and security, couple with an uncontrollable crisis around the country as you must have heard over the news, my life is no more protected here. I confide on your assistance and write with every respect due to your good person and ask that you assist me to get the inheritance on my behalf as my late father's foreign associate to your country for investment. Please if you are willing to assist me, indicate your acceptance by sending me your full name, address and direct telephone contact so that I can give you a detailed explanation on the inheritance.

Thanks in anticipation. Raymond

Come on, man. He asks for a phone number. Are they really going to call you? That's crazy. I wish this whole thing would just dry up, but these emails only work if you don't know what the hell they are, so there have to be a lot of people out there that can't recognize them AND are ok with handing thousands of their own dollars over to complete strangers.

HAHAHAHA!

2011-05-13T15:59:00.003-04:00

I WAS RIGHT! Better get myself a lotto ticket tonight!

(See this post for reference)

IE6 Splash Page

2011-05-10T20:05:00.000-04:00

I wish sites actually had the balls to put this up.
Microsoft has a much friendlier solution, but not quite as "sledgehammer" effective.

Also kinda funny to see a company actively encourage people to have nothing to do with one of their products. Lots of reasons for that, of course, but it is a situation unique to software and the web.
JUST SAYIN.

Immodium Reminds Us to Avoid Hotel Hot Tubs

2011-05-09T20:10:00.000-04:00

Unless of course it is a Hot Tub Time Machine. Then the 'rrhea is fine and dandy!
Seriously though, what is a hot tub besides a 5-person germ cooker? Gross.

kids are dumb

2011-05-06T18:07:00.000-04:00

This shouldn't be that surprising, but it is. They're several generations removed from any Beatles record. But STILL. They SHOULD know. Just like they should know who Osama Bin Laden is, but youth has pulled a massive herp derp there, too.

Oh, and Pink Hair Girl? If you are going to angstily hate The Beatles "soooo much" you should really try to know at least some basic information about them. Your lunch break was over 5 minutes ago. Hot Topic must be wondering where you wandered off to. Idiot.

5/5/11

2011-05-05T14:10:00.000-04:00

Also, it's Cinco de Mayo.

For the taco enthusiast or for people who look for any excuse to get blackout drunk, these must be very exciting times.

AND IF YOU ADD UP 5, 5 and 11 YOU GET 21 OMG THAT'S SO CRAZY

Blunder Woman - COMING THIS FALL TO YOUR FACE

2011-05-05T13:55:00.000-04:00

Haha, every time I see press for this I just laugh. Guaranteed to be terrible, since it's NBC, and guaranteed not to be around for very long either, so ultimately, who cares.

I mean, David E. Kelly is behind this (ALLY McBEAL FOR CHRIST'S SAKE) and it's going to be on the network that brought us the spiraling plot incompetence known as Heroes.

They might as well just announce whatever show is going to replace it on the schedule whenever they talk about it.

The Bitch is Back

2011-04-06T13:59:00.002-04:00

Actually, I am not a bitch at all. I am a grown man who chooses to waste a good portion of his life on the internet. Luckily I am paid to do this (but not this part, technically speaking. No, I am stealing money by blogging at work. Feeling kind of bad now...gonna close the parentheses and start a new sentence kthxbye).

Anyway, I noticed a few comments FROM REAL PEOPLE in posts from several years ago. It was pretty cool, finding those. And that has lead me to go right on ahead and make a new post. Perhaps I will keep this up. Perhaps I will get lazy again and stop. Hard to say at this stage.

Regardless, I'll be posting. I will not, however, be caring that the header image is off-center. I will not try to learn more HTML or color-code my text. Hell no. This is going to be low effort on my part. Just words. Which I guess should be the most important thing anyway.

Orange You Glad They Invented Hair Gel?

2007-12-14T15:12:00.000-05:00

Somehow I feel safer knowing that this is being cataloged by someone.

Hot Chicks With Douchebags

We should be doing the same thing with the kids that are on My Super Sweet 16 so that we have an easily accessible database of tools to not hire when they come calling for regular jobs. Some of them might already be on this website, I don't know.

And who am I kidding, they are all privileged a-holes, they don't take regular jobs.

Yeah, I like Turtles Too

2007-11-02T15:10:00.000-04:00

This gets funnier every time you watch it.

I want this to be playing on infinite loop on an IMAX when I die.
I figure it works just as well in a heaven or a hell setting, so I'm covered either way.

Tørvald Don't Surf

2007-11-02T09:58:00.000-04:00

Rip Curl is marketing a wetsuit with a powered heating system, dubbed the H-Bomb.
Why would you want this feature in a wetsuit? Oh, I guess it might be helpful if you and your brahs are planning a killer surfin' safari to the Arctic Circle. Epic Nordic set's rollin' in, now you don't have to miss out.

I can't decide if it's more comfortable to have your balls punished by frigid waters or broiled by electric heat. But now I guess you can have both. No word on ipod compatibility, though.

There's video of the thing in action, in the aforementioned Arctic Circle. It's some pretty run-of-the-mill surfing shots, but, you know, it's like -4° out there with wind chill. Plus I couldn't pull those moves in a kiddie pool with a kick board.

So...pro surfers: 1, Crappy blog: 0

Please Return Seatbacks to the Uptight Position

2007-10-10T11:34:00.000-04:00

The person in the middle seat on an airplane, by default, gets both armrests. This should just be universally understood.

That person doesn't have a window to look out of or lean against, or a nice spacious isle to stretch their legs into. What they do get is the shaft. And therefore, they should be entitled to both armrests.

When Ship-in-a-Bottle Just Won't Do

2007-10-03T14:19:00.000-04:00

Here's a gallery full of pretty incredible hand-etched eggshells.
I can barely thread a needle, and I'm guessing this is a lot more involved.
Amazing.

...I Guess it's Pretty Awesome

2007-10-02T14:08:00.000-04:00

Altogether Digital has a list of the 7 best ads of 2007. Every one of them is cool or entertaining in some way, but this Skittles one is my personal favorite.

Check out all 7 videos here.

Tiny Bubbles

2007-10-01T12:33:00.000-04:00

If you've ever stared longingly into a pint of freshly poured Guinness, watching the delicate transit of bubbles and foam, this is for you.

Dubbed Music Machine and directed by Steve Cope, it's a great take on what goes on inside a glass of the stuff.

And as a bonus, here's a trio of the UK's wacky Guinness commercials, starring Rutger Hauer of all people. They'll make no sense to you, unless you were the one that came up with the idea for the movie Time Bandits.

Backpack to the Future

2007-09-28T15:46:00.000-04:00

Meet Conrad Anker (right). In May of 2007, he decided to do something that I think is kind of incredible. As part of the Altitude Everest Expedition 2007, Anker and climbing buddy Leo Houlding retraced the footsteps of George Mallory up the Chinese side of Mt. Everest. Normally, you'd say "so what, people climb Everest all the time" and you would normally be right, but in this case, Anker and Houlding climbed using equipment Mallory-era clothing and equipment.

Did I mention Mallory's expedition was in the 1920s?

Mallory and his Sherpa guide ascended on June 8th of 1924, but disappeared from view just below the summit. It was never known if they reached the top or not. Edmund Hillary, who is acknowledged as the first man successfully climb Everest, did so in 1953, 29 years after Mallory's attempt. Anker actually found Mallory's body in 1999, less than 2,000 feet below Everest's peak. Mallory's Sherpa was never found. It's hard to say if either of them did make it to the top or not; they could have fallen down the face just as easily as they could have reached the summit and then began descending. There's no real way to know.

But Anker and Houlding have proved that their equipment was technically capable of bringing them there, as both men were able to make the summit in 20s garb, using old-school ropes and handmade ice axes and cleats. Everest is a place where using even the latest and most expensive gear is not enough to ensure survival, as Everest claims an all-time 9% mortality rate in climbers.

If you are as interested in this story as I am, there will be a documentary film made from footage take on the expedition. Anker enlisted the help of two of the world's best high-altitude cameramen to film them along the way. One of the cameramen, a crazy mofo named Jimmy Chin, actually skied down Everest in 2006. The film is due out sometime in 2008.

Here are some links with more info:
Houlding "slacklining" 3,000 feet in the air in Yosemite Natl. Park
Altitude Everest Expedition website (multimedia page, some great shots of their 20s gear)
Everest wikipedia page - tons of interesting info on here

Internal Memo: Combat Progress Report

2007-09-28T15:32:00.000-04:00

ATTN: All G.I. Joe Military Forces
FROM: Parker, Blaine L. (CODENAME: MAINFRAME) Computer Specialist, Infantry Class E-5
RE: Combat Progress Report #1: January 1st, 1982 through December 31st, 1991

As you know, Special Mission Command requested a full audit of all G.I. Joe combat data. As Chief Data Compiler, I have dissected the information over a 10-year period, examining all aspects of our detailed battle records and reports. I have one critical finding to share with the Joe organization:

APPARENTLY WE ARE NOT KILLING ANY COBRA SOLDIERS.

True, we have collectively destroyed 173,285 COBRA vehicles. However, zero enemy casualties have been recorded by the HD battlefield cameras. After personally viewing over 400 hours of combat film, it seems that all COBRA combatants manage to escape from burning/exploding conveyances at the last possible second, often parachuting or just hopping to complete safety. We don't even fire on their infantry. At all. I understand the urge to shoot the cool jets and tanks, but do not neglect the enemies on foot.

While we have eliminated 14,000 BAT troops, the COBRA organization seems to have endless financial resources and are able to turn out complete battalions from their factories in China each day. We must remain vigilant in our efforts to kill the actual people at all costs. There is no trick to it, just kill them. Seriously, it has gotten so easy for them, I don't think COBRA even has medical staff anymore. We intercepted a first-aid supply and all that was in it was some bactine and several boxes of those extra-small band aids, for like shaving cuts and stuff. Yeah, the tiny ones. I suspect they are fully aware that none of their soldiers have died in the last decade.

Perhaps COBRA has developed some type of early-warning device, possibly with the aid of Dr. Mindbender and Destro, to see the future and know exactly when to hit eject or whatever. I don't know. Quick Kick is working on this hypothesis and I expect a full report sometime next week.

Prevailing thought from the administrative branch suggests that our laser weapons are not operating properly. But hold up...current laser output is more than adequate for destroying armored vehicles, yet is not enough to kill an enemy combatant? No way. I'll remind you that I went to MIT, I might know what I'm talking about. That's right, #5 in my class.

Here is my idea, everybody...and I realize this may seem silly to some of you, but maybe next time you shoot down a plane, and you see a guy eject, try to shoot him, too. He'll be falling pretty slowly once the chute deploys, and it is unlikely that he will be armed. This should be fun for most, and it is excellent target practice. At this point I am fully advocating shooting dudes in the back as they run away. I know this is the antithesis of what G.I. Joe is all about, but COBRA is a Terrorist Organization Bent on World Destruction. If we start to seek out reasons to allow them to live, we can all just hand in our rocket packs and stun grenades and go home right now, because we are missing the point of our multi-trillion dollar covert strike force.

The G.I. Joe Military has just one job, to murder COBRA, and according to what I have seen, we suck at it.

Creative Genius! *

2007-09-12T16:39:00.000-04:00

* Not actually creative genius.

Only 40 seconds. How bad can it be, right? You're dying to find out, I'll bet.
Not sure if this appeals more to fans of The Office or fans of Weird Al.
It may actually just infuriate both, can't be sure.

Here In My Car

2007-09-07T17:10:00.000-04:00

Saw these on flickr today. I suppose these will seem cooler if you like cars, but I think anybody can appreciate the fact that they sure don't make those emblems like they used to...

Shure-ly You Jest

2007-09-07T13:03:00.000-04:00

Happy Friday. I'd like to share something wonderful with everybody for a minute, regarding product warranty and eventual replacement of said product. Stories about these things that have happy endings seemingly do not exist and seemingly never happen to me. In this case I can say that both are covered:

I got a pair of Shure E2c earphones for Christmas of '05, and they were great until about 5 months ago when part of the rubber casing started to corrode. This left a nice little patch of bare copper wires peeking through right at the part where you'd loop it over your ear (left and middle setups). They still worked fine, just became kind of uncomfortable to wear.

Luckily, these have a 2 year warranty, which alone is pretty cool for just a pair of earphones. But since they were a gift, I had no receipt of any kind. I copped to this when I contacted Shure's customer service via email and explained the situation. They promptly sent me back a form to fill out and include along with the earphones. I packed them up and shipped them to their Illinois HQ, and barely 3 days later they sent me a completely new pair in the retail packaging. I was pretty surprised, thinking they'd just patch the jacked-up cable and mail them back.

It's nice to see that some companies still see the value in respecting their customers. I can tell you I'll definitely buy Shure products again based on this and the quality of their products, and I will happily recommend them to anybody else looking for a great pair of earphones.

Now Available in Legitimate!

2007-08-28T12:13:00.000-04:00

On the off chance that my 1 fan and 10 visitors (all-time gross) are interested, The Privateer's good pals at Nobody Knows have graciously posted a little something we worked on together, an Open Letter to Superman.

Some rudimentary knowledge of the plots of all the Superman movies will probably make this a lot funnier than it would be otherwise, but since when has not knowin' stuff ever stopped anybody in this country from accomplishing anything?!

If nothing else, a trip to Nobody Knows will show you what a real-deal website looks like and help you appreciate just how truly rustic this one is.

Because if it's on The Internet it Must be True

2007-08-28T10:54:00.000-04:00

I would like to introduce you to a wonderful site I have stumbled across.

If you like real politicians and celebrities and dream fanciful dreams of reading fake and satirical blog entries from them, then I think this is probably the greatest thing that could ever happen to you. Behold, NewsGroper!

They are short and sweet and cover all kinds of interesting topics. I especially liked this one, this one and this one. I don't fully understand this one, but I laughed anyway. Poor Flav.

Oh and let's not forget the icing on the cake...very recently, a hack MSNBC reporter linked to one of the fake Al Sharpton blog entries as REAL NEWS. This is bad enough, but the entry in question, a response to the Michael Vick fiasco, alleges that the police would not arrest Brett Favre if they discovered he was "running a dolphin-fighting ring out of his pool." HAHAHA FIRED HAHAHA!

-FOOTNOTE-
Dear MSNBC,

Should your lazy reporters ever need any other falsified information or www-nonsense passed off as real news, I will gladly concoct any manner of story that you would like. Please reach me via the email button on the upper-ish right hand corner of this page.

GOOD DAY TO YOU.

Fail to the Chief

2007-08-24T09:48:00.000-04:00

With MySpace (and MTV...horrors!) officially becoming part of the 2008 Presidential Debates, I have no choice but to admit that Idiocracy may not be a work of fiction. Was it not bad enough that in the YouTube debates we passed a question from a snowman off as something to be taken seriously? Why is there an urge to further debase the legitimacy of the debate system? While rhetorical, those questions have an answer: To reach the younger groups of people who do not vote.

Here's the thing, I'm not convinced that tapping this magical vein of potential voters is such a great idea. Speaking as one of the people these goofy publicity stunts are supposed to attract, I don't think the candidates would want to deal with us once they "had" us. We are the whiniest, most dissatisfied and self-entitled bunch of losers this world has ever known. We are full of sanctimonious advice and act like we have the answer for everything that is wrong, yet hardly any of us are willing to act on any of the brilliant knowledge we claim to possess.

There's an interesting look at these issues here, should you care to read it. I think his point about someone being able to really take advantage of this setup is a good one, should any candidate be willing to take this seriously.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no better than the group of people I'm yelling about. I don't know the first thing about politics beyond the issues I find interesting. I have all kinds of crazy opinions that I like to share with anybody who'll listen. I'm lazy. But I don't think anybody needs to reach out to the MySpace Generation just to garner some votes. You're better off with the people who are already voting that have quantifiable attention spans and don't get all their news from CNN email alerts and whatever it is that Stephen Colbert has on notice from one week to the next. If the Wall Street Journal can't handle internet lingo, how will they deal with people like me?

Easy Credit Rip-Offs (Good Times!)

2007-08-22T17:34:00.001-04:00

Sometimes it's tough to remember that credit cards aren't "free money."
This instructional video will help you survive the call of impulse buys.
(With Bonus Steve Martin!)

99 Luftballons? Nein! 1 Helium Balloon!

2007-08-22T11:46:00.000-04:00

All unfunny Nena references aside, here's another example of someone with HUGE BALLS and the amazing things he accomplished because of them.

Meet Joseph Kittinger (pictured. click for full sized image). In August of 1960, he successfully parachuted to earth from the staggering altitude of 102,800 feet, reached in an open-gondola helium balloon. That's nearly 20 miles straight up, the edge of freaking space. He fell for 4 minutes and 36 seconds, reaching a maximum speed of ~~714 mph~~ (as veebs has shown, from one of the wikipedia articles I linked to, 714 is innacurate. It is still debatable, but he either went 214, 250 or 314 mph. Still fast, and still stupid of me for not reading more carefully). This feat still stands as the highest parachute jump and longest parachute free fall. What I want to know is who went faster through the air and how.

It's not like he did all of this out of his backyard on weekends, though. This was all part of USAF projects (Man High and Excelsior) to test high-altitude parachute systems. You can read all about the details on Wikipedia, here and here. The Boards of Canada also used footage from the jump in the video for "Dayvan Cowboy" in case you have any interest in seeing that sort of thing. Even if you don't like the song, it's a good way to see just what Kittinger was up against in that tiny basket waaaay up above the earth.

Look Ma, No Legs!

2007-08-16T18:04:00.000-04:00

This is pretty cool if you ask me. How he manages to do all of this without breaking the chair in half, I don't know. And don't miss the 1" of clearance for his head when he pulls the backflip.

In Space, No One Can Hear You Scream, But We Can Watch You Die on CNN

2007-08-16T10:41:00.000-04:00

There is little question that to be an astronaut these days takes HUGE BALLS. Not that it was ever taking a back seat to stocking shelves at WalMart, but on the most fundamental level these people are flying into frigging outer space on a ginormous combusting tube of rocket fuel. And check out the basic requirements for the job, and then stop kidding yourself because I'm sure you need to have like 6 degrees and be a for-reals Buck Rogers to even get a call from the NASA HR lady.

But look at the program now: Foam chunks falling out faster than my hair, holes in gloves (where do they make these suits, Mauritius???), drunk astronauts... like there isn't enough stuff to be worried about under normal conditions. I can only imagine what other countries' space programs are like if we're barely hanging on. Fly on a Chinese space shuttle? Nobody is that stupid. Then again, I bet lead paint might actually have some uses as heat shielding.

Just don't watch any Chinese car crash-test videos before lift-off. Ouch:

Baby, I Got Your Number and a Whole Bunch of Other Information

2007-08-14T15:44:00.000-04:00

I read something on Consumerist today that discussed how phone companies most likely sell your phone number and/or home address to telemarketers in order to make some extra cash. This is screwed up, but not that surprising.

Anyway, that particular story linked to this set of comments on some dude's blog. He mentions whitepages.com and the fact that he thankfully didn't show up on there. Curious, I went to whitepages and entered my first and last name to see what they came up with. Whitepages didn't have my info, but they linked to these scumbags called US Search who plainly did have me in their greasy sights. They were about 90% accurate in the details that I could see without paying them money.

Whitepages has an option to delete your info from their site, should you find it and feel that you don't want it to be found. US Search buries the option in their privacy page, and you have to write a damn letter to them and provide personal information in order to "probably" be removed from their database. They claim there's no guarantee they can get you out of their search results since their info is culled from several places of public record. Clearly, they are banking on the fact that people are too lazy to write letters.

They're more than happy to let any freak with a credit card pay for your home address and phone number though, so they obviously have very high moral standards. Go ahead, try a reverse lookup on your phone number or throw down your maiden name, they'll even reveal info off of a SSN.

I'm not exactly a paranoid conspiracy theorist, holed up in a tinfoil mountain fortress building HAM radios and eating ramen noodles all day, but it just creeps me out quite a bit to know that personal information is really easy for people I don't know to unearth.

People like this guy, who I imagine would be a US Search core-user.

Only You Can Stop The Austin Powers Impressions

2007-08-09T17:37:00.000-04:00

Click the pic for more toothpastefordinner comics. LAFFO!

Let's Do Shots

2007-08-08T13:16:00.000-04:00

This is probably the coolest and most useful google maps-based tool I have seen yet. Just enter in a city and let it go to work.

Even for the smaller burgs and towns there's a decent chance you'll find a few places to kick back a beer or ten. Give it a whirl:

Mappy Hour

Nothing to do with the post really, but I find that Hitachino White Ale (pictured) is great. I highly recommend it as an alternative to Sapporo or Kirin if you're having sushi.

Look Away, I'm Hideous

2007-08-07T16:09:00.000-04:00

Cracked.com has a pretty great article up right now about the top 20 "That Guy" actors of all time. You all know at least one That Guy or another. You probably know even more than you realize. Some you may even like.

My favorite That Guy didn't make their list, but I think he's probably top-5 material:

Meet Clint Howard, everybody. Best known for being physically repulsive, and second-best known for being Ron Howard's brother. He appears in roughly 90% of all Ron Howard projects that call for a "Fugly Bystander" in the casting notes. He's also been in a handful of B-horror movies, apparently with no help from Ron. Usually he plays the monster. The best part is that he's probably got millions to his name and will always have steady work as long as Ron does not die or get kidnapped. I salute you, monster-man.

Top 20 "That Guy" Actors of All Time - via Cracked

YAARRRR...an Idiot

2007-08-06T18:04:00.000-04:00

You know, when The Privateer was just being created, I saw that "theprivateer.blogspot.com" was taken already. That kind of sucked because I had to take the much, much lamer name that I ended up with. It's been pluralized for no reason other than some creep beat me to the better, more appropriate title.

So today I visited theprivateer.blogspot.com, and what I saw appalled me. I hate it so hard. Not only is it awful, it's a corpse! Nobody has done anything on there since 2004! At least have the decency to delete your waste of an inside-joke blog from the blogger library and free up the site name. You didn't even make 3 posts!

All of this sort of points to the second post on my page, 2nd paragraph, and I think your work is a classic example of that. Right down to the unbearable pirate lingo, which was maybe cool for 3 seconds back in 2004, if at all. Look, all I'm saying is that you tried and failed. Now, move on to a ninja-themed blog for you and your goofy friends and leave this to the amateurs with nothing better to do.

Anybody Want Some Wood?

2007-08-03T12:27:00.000-04:00

I don't watch the X-Games. Maybe I should though.

This clip doesn't show him do a 720 over some ridiculous gap, off a ramp the size of an aircraft carrier, which is exactly what he did prior to body-slamming the pine. But this clip does show him hit the ground so hard his shoes fly off.

Please Forget the Lyrics

2007-08-02T14:43:00.000-04:00

I'm definitely late to this whole "Chocolate Rain" party, but holy smokes this is so far out there that I have to post it. Misunderstood genius? Crackpot with a video camera and a cable modem? It's really up to you. Go ahead. Let it rain...let it CHOCOLATE RAIN

But if you think that's insane, just look at how the internet community has run with it. Tupac hasn't been remixed this many times.

Also, I think the show that comes on after Don't Forget the Lyrics should be called Don't Forget Your Dignity.