Internal Memo: Combat Progress Report

ATTN: All G.I. Joe Military Forces
FROM: Parker, Blaine L. (CODENAME: MAINFRAME) Computer Specialist, Infantry Class E-5
RE: Combat Progress Report #1: January 1st, 1982 through December 31st, 1991

As you know, Special Mission Command requested a full audit of all G.I. Joe combat data. As Chief Data Compiler, I have dissected the information over a 10-year period, examining all aspects of our detailed battle records and reports. I have one critical finding to share with the Joe organization:

APPARENTLY WE ARE NOT KILLING ANY COBRA SOLDIERS.

True, we have collectively destroyed 173,285 COBRA vehicles. However, zero enemy casualties have been recorded by the HD battlefield cameras. After personally viewing over 400 hours of combat film, it seems that all COBRA combatants manage to escape from burning/exploding conveyances at the last possible second, often parachuting or just hopping to complete safety. We don't even fire on their infantry. At all. I understand the urge to shoot the cool jets and tanks, but do not neglect the enemies on foot.

While we have eliminated 14,000 BAT troops, the COBRA organization seems to have endless financial resources and are able to turn out complete battalions from their factories in China each day. We must remain vigilant in our efforts to kill the actual people at all costs. There is no trick to it, just kill them. Seriously, it has gotten so easy for them, I don't think COBRA even has medical staff anymore. We intercepted a first-aid supply and all that was in it was some bactine and several boxes of those extra-small band aids, for like shaving cuts and stuff. Yeah, the tiny ones. I suspect they are fully aware that none of their soldiers have died in the last decade.

Perhaps COBRA has developed some type of early-warning device, possibly with the aid of Dr. Mindbender and Destro, to see the future and know exactly when to hit eject or whatever. I don't know. Quick Kick is working on this hypothesis and I expect a full report sometime next week.

Prevailing thought from the administrative branch suggests that our laser weapons are not operating properly. But hold up...current laser output is more than adequate for destroying armored vehicles, yet is not enough to kill an enemy combatant? No way. I'll remind you that I went to MIT, I might know what I'm talking about. That's right, #5 in my class.

Here is my idea, everybody...and I realize this may seem silly to some of you, but maybe next time you shoot down a plane, and you see a guy eject, try to shoot him, too. He'll be falling pretty slowly once the chute deploys, and it is unlikely that he will be armed. This should be fun for most, and it is excellent target practice. At this point I am fully advocating shooting dudes in the back as they run away. I know this is the antithesis of what G.I. Joe is all about, but COBRA is a Terrorist Organization Bent on World Destruction. If we start to seek out reasons to allow them to live, we can all just hand in our rocket packs and stun grenades and go home right now, because we are missing the point of our multi-trillion dollar covert strike force.

The G.I. Joe Military has just one job, to murder COBRA, and according to what I have seen, we suck at it.